I don’t have to do the dinner. It doesn’t matter with who. It doesn’t matter where. It doesn’t matter why they want to do the dinner. I don’t have to. I am consistently reminding myself that “No.” is a full sentence.
Being sad is rad. Have you had a full menty b on your living room floor at 9 p.m. recently? Same, queen. The crown falls off - we take a moment to shine it then place it atop our magnificent heads.
Patience isn’t always a virtue - sometimes, it is a sheer necessity. I’ve been working on a chapbook to release at the end of the year (!!!!) and for months, nothing came. No words. No stories. But months later, they’re pouring out. I didn’t stop wanting to write - I sat patiently, waiting to be ready to do it again. I’m glad I found the necessity of the process.
Embrace new shit - I visited Louisville, got a *stupid* horse tattoo, and saw my best friends. (Also, I have started to volunteer at our local horse rescue. Am I now a horse girl? Incredible. I love Colorado. 1000/10.)
Work isn’t life, but it feels good to finally live at work. It’s been a soul-sucking 12 years in the non-profit space. I’ve done just about every job you can do, from front desk/reception roles to the Director of Development. Working at a humane society is healing me, for reasons I’ve yet to discover.
Sometimes, you think you know people around you. Make room to get to know them again and again. Curiosity in relationships is what makes them grow, blossom and thrive. I hope every person who knows me, who reads my ramblings, remains forever curious about me as I shift, heal, bloom and take root.
I fucking love CoreLife Eatery’s Korean BBQ Bowl. This makes me a basic white bitch. I’m so ok with that.
God is around me every day. I think right now, she’s in my gardens, in the mountains I see every day, in my beautiful friends. But one thing I know for certain now - they are no longer reflected in men that used to control my body, my being, my way of life, or how and when I worship her.
Femmes can be thems. It’s a phrase I first heard by Transpainter (please buy their shit!) I have been at war with my femme side since I was a teenager. How do you accept and love a body that feels created for the male gaze? How do you heal it after years of abuse, of disregard? I think it might be putting on a dress and letting people stare at me and not disappearing into the background. I think it’s wearing the makeup and doing the skincare, nourishing and touching my body in thoughtful ways instead of with sharp objects and disdain. I’m still figuring it out [but I think I’ll keep putting on the dresses with the Dr. Martens and my small smirk.]
I keep busy because I am searching for something, but I can’t pinpoint what I’m searching for. I hope through writing more, through connecting with more people, that someday I’ll figure it out. Is it hobbies? Love? Healing? Self-direction? Maybe? All of it? Fuck. Being an adult post-high control religion is a real bitch. You mean I get to choose what I do in this life? Sounds like a total scam.
I need more queer voices in my life, those who left high-control religion, who are still searching for the same things I am. So much of this space is created and uplifted by cis-men who were harmed, too. That’s fine - but our harm was different. Queer and trans folks who experienced harm at the hands of cis-men who controlled our churches, our Kingdom Halls? Our perspective and experience matters, too. It deserves to be highlighted, to be uplifted, to be shared.
Every meme made about being Aquarius rings absolutely true for me. I love it so much. Why yes, I am on another plane of existence than most, thank you!
I need to stop apologizing for existing. No explanation needed.
And finally, here’s a something I wrote down in my journal this week that made me go “oh…oh shit!”
when you are ordered to pour love into a ghostly being, you don't stop to realize you've become the ghost. what dreams did you delay for service of the omnipotent? who would you become if your Christian guilt didn't eat you alive? what stars have you missed viewing because you were too busy looking down, ensuring faithful steps. what life did you miss living because you were making a life that means nothing to you, after all?
Bye! See ya soon!
1. It’s nice to see you again.
2. “Menty b” sparked a grim cackle.
3. All the best.
Will never not be in awe of your eloquence, my friend. Love you always 💚💙